Breaking News: Some Bullshit Happening Somewhere

And now in a desperate attempt
to fill 24 hours of programming, here’s some bullshit
that happened somewhere today. We’ve got some footage here
of the bullshit which began just after 3 o’clock
this afternoon when residents in this neighborhood
were shocked to see this fairly common thing happening. An attractive witness described
the event in breathless terms. I went to my window and I was like wo,
there’s some bullshit happening. It happened right over there.
I’m an older man, so you can trust
what I say. Authorities in special uniforms
rushed to the scene to stand around
while our cameras filmed them. Our reporter Keith Collins joins us now
live from the scene of the bullshit through the use
of expensive technology. Good to be with you again Keith,
we have a colorful graphic here that shows instances of bullshit
like this are on the rise, is that right?
-Yes, although why is unclear. Some say it’s because
of one fucking reason, others say it’s because
of some other fucking reason. I talked to this random expert
on this subject who told me this thing
you’re about to hear him say, right after he points
at a piece of paper. I spent my entire life attending
the nation’s most prestigious schools to talk about bullshit like this.
I’m really just happy to be on TV. Now let’s see if we can drag this out
a little longer by showing emails written by some of our viewers.
I once saw some stuff kind of like the shit
you’re talking about happen, I have nothing more to add.
Another person says I am angry
that things like this happen. I get mad about
every bullshit thing I see. So obviously a lot of opinions there
to make this story seem somewhat meaningful.
-Oh absolutely Glen, this bullshit has some
broader implications. Here’s a list of tips on how
to avoid bullshit happening to you. And here’s some footage of congress.
-Yes I see that. Well thank you Keith, let us know
if there are any updates on this bullshit story from there.
-There’s no way there will be. Very good, we’ll check back with you
in an hour anyway. I’m just some fucking guy.
-When we return we’ll look at live footage
of a car chase taken from a helicopter and free-associate
about what’s going on.

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