Every Classroom Sketch Ever – Key & Peele

– If one of y’all says
some silly ass name, this whole class is
gon’ feel my wrath. Now, De-nice. – Do you mean Denise? – Son of a bitch.
(clipboard cracks) ♪ I want ya ♪ ♪ But I don’t need ya ♪
(school bell rings) (kids chatting) (door thuds) – I am your substitute. Mr. Nostrand. But that might as
well say no-nonsense, because I do not play. Now today will not be a day off. In fact today, you
will work harder than– (fart squeals) (kids laugh) – [Male Student] Somebody
call a code brown up in here. – [Student] See you
later Mr. Poop-strand. (school bell rings) – All right listen up y’all, I’m y’all’s substitute
teacher, Mr. Garvey. I taught school for 20
years in the inner city, so don’t even think
about messin’ with me. Y’all feel me? ‘Kay. Let’s take roll here. Jay-quelin. Where’s Jay-quelin at? No Jay-quelin here? (clears throat) Yeah. – Uh, do you mean Jacqueline? – Okay. So that’s how it’s gon’ be. Y’all wanna play. Okay, then. I got my eye on you, Jay-quelin. Buh-lockay. Where is Buh-lockay at? No Buh-lockay here today? Yes sir. – My name’s Blake. – Are you outta
yo’ goddamn mind? Blake? What? Do you wanna go to
war, Buh-lockay? – No. – ‘Cause we could go to war. – [Blake] No. – I’m for real. I’m for real. So you better check yourself. De-nice. Is there a De-nice. If one of y’all says
some silly ass name, this whole class is
gon’ feel my wrath. Now, De-nice. – Do you mean Denise? – Son of a bitch.
(clipboard cracks) You say your name
right, right now. – Denise. – [Mr. Garvey] Say it right. – Denise.
– Correctly. Right.
– Denise. Denise.
– Right. – De-nice. – That’s better, thank you. Now, A-A-ron. Where are you? Where is A-A-ron right now? No A-A-ron, huh? Well you better be sick,
dead, or mute, A-A-ron. – Here. Oh, man. – Why didn’t you answer me
the first time I said it, huh? – Huh? – I’m just, y’know,
I just asking you, I said it like four times, so why didn’t you say it the
first time I said A-A-ron? – Because it’s pronounced Aaron? – Son of a bitch! (equipment clatters) Ya done messed up, A-A-ron! Now take yo’ ass on down to O-shag-hennessy’s
office right now, and tell him exactly
what you did. – Who? – O-shag-hennessy. – Principal O’Shaughnessy? – Get out of my
goddamn classroom before I break my
foot off in your ass! Insubordinate. And churlish. Tim-o-thee. – Pre-sent. – Thank you. (pencil scribbling)
(school bell rings) – The right triangle’s
longest side is called the hypotenuse,
and it’s this side here. See, the longest one.
– Hey. I wish I were high on potenuse. (laughing) – I wish I was high on potenuse. (everybody laughs) – Okay, okay okay. Mr. Morrison’s very
funny, it’s very funny, but let’s get back
to the lesson. Now if you can see,
the longest one, where it goes from this point to that point.
– That was my joke. (muffled speaking)
– I know man, that was hilarious. – [Teacher] Of a triangle. I’ve labeled them
here, A, B, and C. (muffled speaking)
– No, but I mean, I said that. I said it. I said it. I said that. – Please, please, Mr. Jackson, keep your comments to yourself. Thank you. (sighs) Now, the
hypotenuse, it– (all laughing) Mr. Morrison, you really
got me on that one. Ugh, so great. Oh, oh, Principal
Martel, Principal Martel, come here, come here, come here. Tell Principal Martel
what you said, Troy. – Oh, you, she was talkin’
’bout the hypotenuse, and I said, I wish I
was high on potenuse. (all laughing) I’m sorry. He likes it. Principal Martel’s cool. – Oh-ho-ho, that’s,
that’s very funny. – Principal Martel, Principal
Martel, I said that. – Mr. Jackson, that is enough. – But I said it first. – Oh, Mr. Iglesias, Mr.
Iglesias, yes, come in, come in. (all gasping) – Yeah. What’s up, peoples? – Fluffy. – Comedian Gabriel Iglesias is touring the
local schools today for a charity he’s working on. Tell him what you said,
tell him what you said. – Dude, um, I wish I
was high on potenuse. (all laughing) I said it like that. – Oh my god. That is clever. That is clever, very funny. Very funny.
– No, no. – Right? Thanks, thanks.
– No, wait wait, Mr. Iglesias, Mr. Iglesias,
I’m your biggest fan. That was my joke. – You know, it’s not
really cool, buddy, to take credit for
other people’s jokes. Ay listen, funny stuff. I’m doin’ this big
tour right now. You wanna see about maybe, we
could talk about you opening? I need an opener. – Uh, um, sure. – What do you
think, is that okay? Yeah?
– Of course, of course. – Huh, what? (all muttering) – Talent, man.
– Hey, it’s nice to meet you, thanks so much. – Look like a Richard
Pryor, get over here, man. Come on. – Richard Pryor! – He deserved it. All right, so across
from the longest side is a 90 degree angle. – Good thing I’ve got
a 90 degree dangle. – Joe, stop it! You will never be Troy! – Why are you
tryna be like Troy? Dick. – Et tu, nerdy girl? – Heh-heh.
– So, the hypotenu– (all burst out laughing) – What the (beep) is going on? – I’m gonna piss my pants. I’m gonna piss my
pants right here. Oh my god. (pencil scribbling)
(school bell rings) – [Mr. Garvey] I’m gon’
take a li’l roll here. Jay-quelin. – Here. – [Mr. Garvey] You are present. Buh-lockay. – Right here. – [Mr. Garvey] Uh-huh. De-nice. – Here. – [Mr. Garvey] Good. Jes-seeka. Thank you. – Mr. Garvey. – What is it A-A-ron? – Some of us need to leave
a few minutes early today. – Oh. Oh is that so? – Mm-hm. – And what, pray tell, is the reason for
this premature exodus? – Yearbook photos. Um, we have to leave
15 minutes early to meet up with our clubs. (laughs) – All right, you know what? That might work with
other substitute teachers, but I taught in the inner
city for over 20 years. Now y’all wanna
leave my class early so y’all can go
meet up at the club. Ain’t none of y’all old
enough to go to the damn club! Ridiculous. – Mr. Garvey? – God, son of a bitch!
(clipboard cracks) Did I st-t-t-t-t-tutter? – Just then? Yes. – I’ma throw you out
that goddamn window. What, Jay-quelin? – Mr. Garvey, we’re
telling the truth, we have clubs at this school, we have clubs for
special interests. – Okay, I see, so
y’all wanna play. Y’all wanna play, yeah okay,
we gon’ play little games. Fine, I’ll play. I’m more than happy to
play some games with y’all. Anyone who’s in a
club, stand yo’ ass up. Uh-huh, oh yup, there it is. There it is, the usual suspects. What the hell club are
you in, Jay-quelin? – Future Leaders of America. – Okay, okay. How would you know if you gon’
be a leader in the future? Is there a Stargate
in yo’ bedroom? Can you travel through
time, Jay-quelin? – No. – Then sit the flip down! Buh-lockay, I don’t,
here’s the thing, I don’t even know why I’m
’bout to ask you this. Buh-lockay, what
club are you in? – I’m part of the Spanish Club. – Sp, this, you about as
Spanish as Riahn Seacrest, wit’ ya big ass
Fraggle Rock hair. How ’bout you, De-nice? – I’m in the Chess Club. – Uh, I’m sorry sweetheart,
you are not in the chest club. The mosquito bite club, maybe. – (sighs) That’s hurtful. – Truthful. There he is. A-A-ron. – [Aaron] Hey. – What club are you in? – I’m the president of the
Glee Club, why do I talk. – The Glee Club? (screams)
(equipment clatters) Like they gon’ have a club
dedicated to a TV show! Take yo’ ass to
office right now, before I bust a
club up in ya butt. – Okay. – Go! – Okay, I’m gonna go. – Mischievous and deceitful. Chicanerous and deplorable. – [Principal O’Shaughnessy]
This is Principal O’Shaughnessy. Students please report
to the gymnasium for your club photos. – Fake announcement. Now does anybody in
here have a valid reason for leaving this classroom? Tim-o-thee. – I gotta go pick
up my daughter. – You’re excused.
(pencil scribbling) (school bell rings) – All right everybody just,
(students muttering) let’s settle down. Settle in, and
like just totally, let’s get our math on, okay? All right guys, so. (kids laughing) Yeah, oh. (laughs) All right Jimmy, somebody’s
got a little extra energy from phys ed, right? Yeah. – Ah. – Jimmy, buddy, hey
buddy let’s, okay, it’s just, let’s
knock it off, okay? (book thuds)
(kids laugh) Okay. (laughs) (mocking speaking) You got me, he got
me, right guys? Jimmy, dude, all right,
let’s take our seat. (laughs) That’s
great, that’s great. That’s great.
– Boop beep boop, boop bip.
– Very good, bravo, Jimmy, I’m just
gonna, you guys can clap. (goofy laughing)
(students applaud) That was awesome. Oh, and I thank you, I, I thank you for the
entertainment, man. – Oh. (mocking ticking) – Jimmy.
(kids laughing) No, let’s go man. Hey buddy. I don’t wanna harsh
your vibe man but– – Ah, eureka. – I’m gonna be honest with you, you’re really pushing
my buttons now, Jimmy. – Beep boop boop
ooh ee ee ee ooh. (kids laughing)
– You’re drivin’ me crazy, man. (mocks racecar whooshing)
(tongue clicking) (voice vibrating) That’s enough. You want me to write
your name on the board? (kids laughing) – Ah! (mumbling) – Okay Jimmy, do you want
me to call Principal Martel? That would not be
bitchin’, would it? (mocking biting nails) Okay. You know what Jimmy,
you know what? Why don’t you come up and
teach the class, man, hm? Wouldn’t that be awesome? – Moi? – Yeah, come on up. Okay, guess, no, and then you
know what I’m gonna do Jimmy? I’ll just sit here,
how ’bout that Jimmy? And then we can all watch
how you’re being disruptive. (mumbling)
(kids laughing) Oh I see, that’s
supposed to be me. Right. All right Jimmy, okay, I see,
I get it’s supposed to be me. It’s time to be John, Jimmy. Don’t you dare
Jimmy, what’re you? (scissors click) (kids laugh) Oh yeah? Oh yeah? Oh yeah? Oh yeah? (screaming) Well this is you Jimmy! (scream mumbling) I’m you Jimmy. (yelling) (desk clattering) How ’bout that Jimmy, huh? Oh, I’m gonna slap
five, gimme five. Give, gimme five. (hands slapping) Huh? How ’bout that, huh? That’s you Jimmy. I’m Jimmy, I’m Jimmy. And I need attention. Yeah, I’m Jimmy. Ah, I’m Jimmy, ah, look here. (mumbling) That’s the funniest
thing that ever happened in the whole world! I’m Jimmy, I want attention,
wiggy-wiggy-wiggy-wiggy-wiggy. I’m Jimmy, I’m Jimmy. (mocking wiggling) – Mr. Fryer. – Principal Martel. No, what? No, no no no no. No it was Jimmy. It was Jimmy, Principal
Martel, no, Jimmy. (grunts) It was Jimmy! It was Jimmy! It was Jimmy! (students cheer) – [All] Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy,
Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy. Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy. (muffled chanting)
(dramatic music) (muffled cheering)

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