14
Aug

Top 10 CREEPY Children’s TV SHOWS


Top 10 Creepy Children’s TV Shows 10. BooBah The best way to describe this show, believe
it or not, is that it consists entirely of multi-colored creatures with anime eyes, dancing
and floating around in a hyperbaric nightmare dimension full of psychedelic rainbows and
sparkles. Any child who doesn’t nervously back away
from the television mouthing “…what the hell…” will no doubt suffer an epileptic
seizure soon enough. The show does an admirable job of combining
the drug fuelled cacophony of the 70s with inherently scary doll heads and warped alien
bodies. There’s no story, no sets, no writing, and
no voices save for an annoying child who screams “Boobah!” every few minutes and yet, it’s
difficult to imagine anything that would cause children watching to question the purpose
of their little worlds more. There is nothing creepier and more unsettling
than the wanton destruction of one’s own sanity, let alone a child’s. Peppermint Park was pretty much the epitome
of the art of creepy puppets. Lifeless rolling eyes, rigid plastic bodies
with cloth human hands, and voices that sound like they were recorded in an insane asylum
all culminate in a perfect storm of childhood trauma. The show featured a couple different sets
of puppets, one of which was a perverse rip-off of Bert and Ernie if Bert and Ernie suddenly
devolved into autistic ape-men, while the other set were a couple of semi-lobotomized
dragons (dinosaurs?) with voices even more odd than the “human” puppets, which is
saying something. The show was bargain basement stuff and it
looked it, complete with filthy curtains that flank a dingy cellar window, creepy stock
footage of random children playing in a playground, and completely pointless Dixieland performances. All the show was lacking was an unpainted
van lurking around. 8. Jay Jay The Jet Plane Something about putting oddly shaped, realistic
faces on airplanes and helicopters is very unsettling, especially considering that, in
the show, these creatures are completely sentient with minds of their own. It begs the question, in this universe where
airplanes are alive, do people ride in them? Are they enslaved to serve man or just another
species of animal? How are new planes “born”? Anyway, where Thomas the Tank Engine succeeds
in placing a face on an otherwise inanimate object without making kids nervous, Jay Jay
does not. The faces dominate the planes they are stuck
onto, have bulbously inflated features and are strangely rigid. In fact, the only parts that move are the
eyes (barely) and the eyelids. Yeah, eyelids on an airplane. There’s a bunch of other weird imagery that
pops up every now and then like naked cartoon monkeys and virtually featureless, rubbery
human characters but it’s the airplanes themselves that really take the horror of
the uncanny valley and bludgeon our children with it. 7. Rupert The Bear Starting the tradition of disturbing TV shows
designed to freak out many a British child, The Adventures of Rupert Bear was born in
the decade few want to remember; the 70s. Those who have good memories of this show
probably only remember the animated version that came later which was relatively harmless
and most likely aren’t aware of the marionette version that came before. Marionettes are creepy enough by themselves,
but when they come in strange shapes vaguely resembling anthropomorphic animals wearing
clothing operated by amateurs who clearly forgot how a body is supposed to move, the
creepiness factor skyrockets. Besides Rupert, there were a myriad of odd
looking characters in the show including a deformed sheep, a floating fireball with legs,
and most notorious of all, Raggety, who looked like a gnarled and haunted tree branch crossed
with a Snork. Research has shown that many a British nightmare
in the early 70s was centered on Raggety. Reportedly all the episodes were lost in a
fire, and I like to think it was God’s way of expunging the Earth from the unholiness
that was Rupert. 6. Pipkins Pipkins was another British TV show in the
70s that featured, you guessed it, puppets. Puppets aren’t inherently scary and can
be used to great effect on shows like Sesame Street and Lamb Chop’s Play-A-Long when
operated correctly and made with love. You can’t just find a ratty piece of carpet,
shove your hand into its ass and call it good children’s fare. Well, Pipkins did just that which led to a
rich cast of misfit puppets with regional accents that no one wanted to love. Most famous of the bunch was the character
of Hartley Hare. He is one of the skankiest, dirtiest, and
spazziest puppets to ever appear on kids TV. Not only did he look like a deceased pet that
was dug up and brought back to life after being dead for three weeks, but his repertoire
consists mostly of snide comments and innuendos. You know, for kids! 5. Dirtgirlworld Dirtgirlworld is a relatively new show that
is currently being shown in the UK, US, and Canada and is about a girl who loves to go
outside and get dirty. Not a bad idea, but there’s something wrong
with this girl though as she can’t decide whether she is a human or a badly animated
cartoon. She has a huge cartoon head and barely perceptible
nose, but real human eyes and a real human mouth which all top a disproportionately tiny
and childlike body. Even worse, the eyes seem to move independently
of each other and with her mouth flying all over her face, dirtgirl constantly makes some
very disturbing facial expressions. It’s as if Jessica Rabbit hooked up with
Eddie Valiant instead of Roger Rabbit and this girl was their half human, half cartoon
love child. Alongside her is a male equivalent who is
just as messed up, a yellow worm thing with Super Dave Osborne’s face, and a human/cricket
hybrid abomination that wears a short bus helmet as if to telegraph the reason to everyone
why insects and humans shouldn’t mate. What’s wrong with using just humans or just
cartoons? Stop trying to combine them! It’s weird! 4. Terrahawks This show itself isn’t too bad despite prominently
featuring marionettes, otherwise known as “the devil’s toy” which are usually
creepy enough in their own right. What puts Terrahawks on this list though is
the character of Zelda, who is probably the scariest looking villain to ever appear in
a kid’s show, and her equally frightening henchmen. Zelda is scary on a real level as she looks
like a1 mentally unstable grandmother wearing a shrivelled and rotten apple skin on her
face. She is the inspiration of old crones everywhere
who aspire to achieve her Freddy Krueger claw, scraggly dead hair, and ghostly nightgown. As for her henchmen, one of them looks vaguely
like Frankenstein, but with evil eyes and a voice that sounds like he’s gurgling the
blood of innocent children with every syllable. The other is a mute that looks like Zelda
but with clown makeup, a very fake looking yellow wig, and a stoma. Yea, a stoma; one of those throat holes smokers
get after a losing battle with cancer. Charming. 3. Jigsaw Jigsaw was a British show (good lord, what
is it with the British and giving nightmares to children?) in the early 80s that featured
a few standard human presenters who come together to solve riddles and puzzles along with the
children watching. Pretty normal stuff really, however one specific
character from this show, Mr. Noseybonk, has single-handedly placed this program in the
hallowed echelon of children’s nightmares that stick with them to adulthood. Any description of this character wouldn’t
be half as unsettling as seeing a picture of him, or even worse, watching him grow more
demonic noseybonks in his greenhouse. I like to think this show is where the Jigsaw
killer from the Saw films got his inspiration from. Instead of using the warped puppet that rides
the tricycle though, Mr. Noseybonk would have made a much scarier and foreboding calling
card for Jigsaw. In fact, I don’t think there’s anything
more terrifying to be alone with in a dark room than that white mask with its big white
nose, soul-less eyes and hellish grin. Some messed up person actually thought this
was something kids would love to see and be charmed by. 2. EI EI Yoga Creepiness comes in many different flavors
and we’ve covered many of them already; puppets, marionettes, dingy sets, bizarre
CGI, etc. However, we’ve neglected one of the major
pillars of childhood terror: pedophilia. That is, until we visit that little corner
of Hell known as EI EI Yoga. Only existing on VHS tapes, this program was
about Yogi Oki Doki and his Rastafarian rooster pal (no, really) teaching children how to
do yoga because everyone knows how much rastamen love to do Yoga. It’s one of the most disturbing things a
normal human being can see and yet, like any train wreck featuring a big chinned hippy
and Jamaican rooster, you can’t take your eyes off it. Yogi Oki Doki prefers a hands-on approach
to teaching so throughout the “lesson”, he often hugs and touches all the children
as they do various Yoga poses in skin-tight leotards because, why not put them in skin-tight
leotards, right? At one point, he even begins moaning and uncontrollably
uttering “Mmm mm mm” sounds as he inspects his harem of Yoga youth as if he were admiring
a juicy hamburger. You know the old saying, “whenever you see
a grown man who is really excited to teach Yoga to children, call the police”? What, that’s not a saying? Well, it damn well should be! 1. Junior Christian Science Bible Lesson Neither Christian nor scientific, the Junior
Christian Science Bible Lesson is an abomination placed on this Earth that may never again
be repeated. Completely orchestrated by a borderline schizophrenic
named David Hart, the public access show relies on puppets, uncomfortable human accomplices,
and horrifically bad religious songs to bring its message to children. The puppets are, as you’d imagine, the freakiest
looking figures ever put to screen and could hang with Chucky in terms of scare factor. They literally fall apart as the program goes
on, and since Hart controls each one individually, characters which were previously animated
suddenly fall lifeless when he switches to a different puppet as if their very soul itself
was torn away. Flanking the puppets are human beings in alien
masks, someone’s grandfather wearing face paint and Elton John’s glasses who scowls
at the camera, and myriad other nightmare fuel. Words just cannot do it justice.

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